Two years ago today, I became a father. After a relatively short nine-hour labor, my wife gave birth to our beautiful daughter. It was an amazing day and one that I had been looking forward to for my whole life.

Fast-forward two years to today and I’m feeling horrible that I don’t feel the same way about the birth of our next child. Don’t get me wrong, when it arrives it will be perfect, but I can’t look forward to it right now. It may be that I know what I’m getting into this time; it could be that our recent financial struggles are overshadowing the experience; it might be the fact that our basement still isn’t done and it’s producing a lot of stress.

And that anxiety is bleeding over into the rest of my life. Sleep is becoming fitful and difficult to find. I lay there awake most nights fully expecting my wife to roll over at any moment and say, “It’s time.” At work, I’m not concentrating well from the lack of sleep and the light flow of adrenaline from knowing I could get the call any time. And my writing is suffering because I can’t seem to think well with all the stuff going on in my house, all the work I have left to do, and the rest of the events of the holiday season.

I know that I’ve gone through this all before and that I’m a good dad, but it’s hard to feel ready for this child and I’m feeling guilty because of that. Everything’s going to change again and right when I was getting used to the way our lives were going. But none of that changes the fact that any day now my wife will give me that look and I’ll kick into gear just like I did last time.

I hope this child comes soon – safely and healthy. That way I don’t have to be anxious anymore and we can settle down to getting to know our new child and letting it get to know our family. Man, I wasn’t even this anxious before my wedding day or even the birth of our daughter. Why this time?

(c) 2007-2009, That One Caveman, http://www.thatonecaveman.com