Comments on: Setting Boundaries for Grandparental Spending

By: Lin

Lin — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 02:15:03 +0000

I disagree with jr’s comment immensely. Anyone that has serious problems dealing with in-laws understands the difficulty you face in this. Dealing with a problematic mother-in-law oftentimes comes down to doing just what you did. Using your backbone, rather than allowing your mother-in-law to dictate the conditions under which your family will live. She needs to learn what it means to be a good mother-in-law and how her attitude and behavior is destructive to your family, and the relationship with her personally. Unfortunately, many families must decide to put distance between themselves and an overbearing mother-in-law in order to have peace. Good for you for standing up to your beliefs.

By: jr

jr — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 23:36:49 +0000

A very poor response on your part. I can think of several different, less damaging ways to handle this situation right off the top of my head, so I’m sure there are many more ways. You were absolutely right in your concern, and in trying to prevent your daughter from being exposed to this sort of behavior, but you were self-righteous and even combative in your methodology. Methinks you and your wife have some crow-eating to do with the mother-in-law.

By: Forget Presents, We Want 529 College Savings Plan Contributions | Frugal Dad

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 11:02:09 +0000

[...] have a unique way of spoiling their grandkids. I can’t say much; my grandparents doted on me quite a bit when I was young. Now that I am a [...]

By: Kelly

Kelly — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 20:36:34 +0000

I too have a MIL with compulsive spending & hoarding issues. The thing I have come to recognize is that it is my MIL’s way of loving me to give me trinkets. I’ve learned to be thankful that she thinks of me. More often than not the trinket finds its way to a donation bin or trash can as I’m not a clutter person, but I still appreciate the sentiment.

I liked the other commentors ideas of showing MIL what age appropriate gifts look like and letting her spend time doing age appropriate activities with her granddaughter. Maybe in doing those she can learn the value in the experience rather than a trinket.

I admire that you have the strength to stand up for what is right for your family even if it’s not the fun answer, but I hope you exhasut all of your more amicable options before you have to present them with the contract.

By: Frugal Dad

Frugal Dad — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 19:14:36 +0000

That’s a tough spot. My own mom goes way overboard shopping for our kids, but fortunately (I guess) it isn’t on cheap stuff. Either way, it is a bit of a problem, and I finally had to sit down and tell her to stop, much to her disappointment. I told her that bringing my kids something every single time she saw them was unhealthy, and would create unreal expecations going forward.

Notice I said “my mom.” This might be hard for you to push since it is the in-laws. If your wife is on board with you have her do the face-to-face intervention. I do agree with you that some healthy boundaries need to be established.

By: Marci

Marci — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 21:03:32 +0000

Show your MIL what could be happening instead. Take out the age appropriate finger paints, colors, clay, sandbox, blocks, finger puppets, or books…. Have her sit down with the child (with you nearby) and encourage her interaction with the child in a safe way.

Kids want quality time together more than anything.

Take a photo for reinforcement of the good time they had together. Write her a thank you with the photo for the positive interaction, and tell her how much you appreciate her trying to change her behaviors in the best interest of the child. (If you get it all to happen…)

Maybe some replacement strategies and some positive reinforcements will get her to come around?

Good luck with it all! it’s a bad situation all around.
I can’t help but think tho that a Grandma will want to do what’s best for the child…. I know I do :)

By: Marianne

Marianne — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 17:59:43 +0000

How sad for all involved. You’re brave not only in trying to face down this issue in your family, but in posting it here. I’m sure you’ve helped someone by sharing your story.

It’s sad, too, that compulsive spending as an indicator of mental illness is often overlooked in our over-spending consumer society.

I wish you and your family luck and hope you can find ways to set those boundaries as well as help your MIL.

By: Sunday Morning Link Love ~ Carnival Love | I've Paid For This Twice Already...

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 12:34:52 +0000

[...] The Carnival of Personal Finance was at Canadian Dream: Free at 45 and my post, Tracking Pennies was an editor’s pick! Number 25 this year, hurrah! I also enjoyed One Caveman�s Financial Journey talking about a tricky issue of Setting Boundaries for Grand Parental Spending. [...]

By: Pinyo

Pinyo — Fri, 30 May 2008 14:34:33 +0000

It’s a tough situation and I respect your decision. If it was me, I would restrict her too much on how she interacts with her granddaughter. Instead, I would focus on her spending habits. But that’s just me.

By: Frugal Babe

Frugal Babe — Mon, 26 May 2008 20:28:56 +0000

My MIL, while not quite to the extent of yours, is similar in her compulsion to shop for her kids and grandkids. Every time they come to visit, and for every holiday (including days like Easter and Halloween) we get a box of stuff from her, including soap-on-a-rope, holiday napkins, candles, etc. She loves the dollar spot at Target, and buys all sorts of stuff there for her grandkids. If only she had taken all the money she’s spent over the years on random toys for her grandchildren and put it into 529 accounts instead… but I’m with Lisa on this one – you can’t tell people how to love you. I know that my MIL loves her children and grandchildren more than anything in the world, and buying things is how she shows it. She’s also willing to travel across the country at the drop of a hat to babysit or help out whenever the need arises. She’s pretty good about buying safe, age-appropriate stuff, and my husband and I have just decided that we’ll graciously accept whatever she gives us and our son, and then throw away or donate whatever we can’t use (I am trying to have a clutter-free house, which is exactly the opposite of my MIL’s, so any candles or trinkets that she gives me get donated right away).
It’s tough to balance love for family members with your own values and house rules, but to us it’s worth it. Good luck!