Setting Boundaries for Grandparental Spending
Filed under: Family, Money Management
My in-laws came over to our house yesterday. Their visit was very tense as my wife and I had decided to begin confronting the issue of my mother-in-law’s spending habits, especially concerning our children. She is a spendthrift and she would rather spend every penny she finds instead of saving anything for her retirement and increasing medical expenses. We are very worried for her and her impact on their finances and we’re just as worried that she will spoil our children.
At my in-laws’ house, my wife’s old bedroom has been forcibly converted into a huge storage area where my mother-in-law drops off her purchases. When my wife went over there a few weeks ago to get the last of her remaining belongings, she found bags stacked upon bags of new clothes shoved into her old closet that have never even made it out of the shopping bag that brought them home. These bags were from early winter or even before, considering the dust that had settled on these bags. Simply put, my mother-in-law has a problem.
When they arrived at our house yesterday her arms were full of junk that she had bought for our daughter: A huge shopping bag full of dresses and hats (my daughter hates wearing hats), a plastic doll bought at a flea market, a little purse, and a few other useless trinkets. Upon seeing this pile of crap it became clear to me that my mother-in-law is trying to pass her ideals on to our daughter instead of respecting our wishes. The doll immediately went into the trash considering it was far from safe for a 17-month old and the risk of lead-based paints brought by purchasing cheap, unmarked toys. The trinkets also found their way into the trash since we are trying to avoid clutter in our house. The dresses that will fit will be added to her wardrobe, but the rest will be donated along with all the hats.
We have complained numerous times to deaf ears that we do not want them to purchase anything for our daughter, especially without consulting us first. My mother-in-law simply has no concept of what is and isn’t safe for children and she cannot control her urge to purchase nearly everything she sees. This trip finally forced us to take corrective action to prevent this problem from growing. On their way out, she tried to sneak a $20 bill to our daughter without us noticing. This sent me over the edge. What in the world can a toddler do with a $20 and why does she refuse to respect us and the boundaries we have set?!? We have decided that she is an unsafe influence on our daughter. If she is blatantly trying to undermine us now, how bad is it going to get in the future?
The unfortunate consequence of this is that we are going to have to further restrict their interaction with our daughter - which is a real shame since my father-in-law is a blameless victim in this fight. I am in the process of drafting a contract that we are going to make them read, understand, and sign that clearly lays out our wishes and the rules concerning respect for our family and our rules. So far, I have included notes such as:
- You may not purchase anything for our children without asking our permission first.
- You may not give any amount of money directly to our children and you must ask for permission before giving money to us for them.
- You must respect and obey the rules we have set for our household and our children at all times and in all locations, regardless of if we are present.
It really breaks my heart to have to do this, but it all comes down to the one important principle: We are the parents and it is our house, our family, and our responsibility to set the rules governing them. I really didn’t want to have things end up like this, but you eventually have to put your foot down. Hopefully this will cause my mother-in-law to notice her problem, but I am doubtful this will bring anything but guilt trips.
As a parent, you cannot be afraid to stand up for what you believe is right for your household and your family. Sometimes it means you have to step on some toes, but that is all part of being a good parent. It’s painful at times, but it is too important to ignore.
May 19th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Oh, this is so sad.
It sounds like your MIL has a *very real* spending problem. Have you and your wife been able to talk to your FIL about it? It sounds like she needs counseling, although that obviously only works when the person is ready to admit they have a problem (sounds like your MIL is not).
Trying to give $20 to a toddler is insane! I definitely understand your frustration!
Let us know how the conversation goes when you present the contract…and good luck :)
May 19th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Ugh. I’m so sorry. That is so intrusive and infuriating. I think you are doing the right thing by setting some clear boundaries. You can also pull your FIL aside and tell him that if his wife cannot follow the rules, he is more than welcome to visit without her.
Has your MIL always been like this or is this new behavior? I don’t know how old she is, but I wonder if she’s having some early dementia.
We had a similar problem with my MIL carelessly and frequently using racial slurs (including the N word) in front of our daughter. I finally had to tell her that if she was going to speak like that then she would not be allowed in the company of her granddaughter. That was 13 years ago, and she changed her behavior and continues to follow our rules. Now, if we could just get her to stop feeding our kids McCrap……
Hang in there.
May 19th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Someone gave me good advice a long time ago - you can’t tell someone how to love you. While the shopping may be a new behavior or a sign that something’s wrong mentally, showering your child with stuff and money may be her way of showing love. I totally agree with what you did by tossing the unsafe items and donating the items that you didn’t want. You provided an example to your daughter by showing that while grandma may give her stuff, Mom and Dad are in charge and will decide what she can and can’t have. BUT, you might want to consider that this is her way of showing love and you’ll offend her by giving her a contract.
Have you suggested to grandma that she take the clothes and toys back home with her when she leaves so that your daughter has stuff to play with and wear when she comes to visit grandma and grandpa’s?
May 19th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Becky:
Unfortunately, there are cultural and language issues that prevent effective communication with my in-laws. It’s a near-certainty that the contract won’t be understood if we do present it to them. I can’t go into further detail, but let’s just say it’s something I wish could happen, but can’t.
—
Jabster:
It’s not a new behavior. Their house is a veritable minefield of trinkets and baubles. My mother-in-law purchases a new glass hutch every few years just to store her “treasures.”
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Lisa:
I have heard that advice as well, but this goes beyond just showing love. It’s a compulsion that needs help that she will never seek or accept. The contract is a last-ditch effort that we hope to not have to use - my wife isn’t sure if she can actually handle giving it to them.
As I mentioned before about the trinkets, their house is a dangerous place for children. The house is full to the point of overflowing with small glass and ceramic figurines, refrigerator magnets, sharp corners, and other assorted dangers. Combine that with the rules (and doctor’s orders for our daughter) my mother-in-law blatantly defies, we cannot allow our daughter to stay with them without us present.
—
This is a bad situation what won’t clear up cleanly or easily, but it must be dealt with. We don’t our children to mistake “stuff” with love and we don’t want them to associate their grandparents with presents - that’s a sure-fire way to raise spoiled children.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:31 am
This is very sad. Your MIL seems to take bribing as the best way to get to her grandchildrens’ hearts.
I think you are doing the right thing and know it’s not going to be easy if your MIL has such a strong mind set on buying stuff. (Probably FIL gave up some time ago.)
I would be most interested to hear updates on how this difficult situation is sorted out.
May 26th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
[...] One Caveman’s Financial Journey talking about a tricky issue of Setting Boundaries for Grand Parental Spending [...]
May 26th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
[...] Setting Boundaries for Grandparental Spending [...]
May 26th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
My MIL, while not quite to the extent of yours, is similar in her compulsion to shop for her kids and grandkids. Every time they come to visit, and for every holiday (including days like Easter and Halloween) we get a box of stuff from her, including soap-on-a-rope, holiday napkins, candles, etc. She loves the dollar spot at Target, and buys all sorts of stuff there for her grandkids. If only she had taken all the money she’s spent over the years on random toys for her grandchildren and put it into 529 accounts instead… but I’m with Lisa on this one - you can’t tell people how to love you. I know that my MIL loves her children and grandchildren more than anything in the world, and buying things is how she shows it. She’s also willing to travel across the country at the drop of a hat to babysit or help out whenever the need arises. She’s pretty good about buying safe, age-appropriate stuff, and my husband and I have just decided that we’ll graciously accept whatever she gives us and our son, and then throw away or donate whatever we can’t use (I am trying to have a clutter-free house, which is exactly the opposite of my MIL’s, so any candles or trinkets that she gives me get donated right away).
It’s tough to balance love for family members with your own values and house rules, but to us it’s worth it. Good luck!
May 30th, 2008 at 9:34 am
It’s a tough situation and I respect your decision. If it was me, I would restrict her too much on how she interacts with her granddaughter. Instead, I would focus on her spending habits. But that’s just me.
June 1st, 2008 at 7:34 am
[...] The Carnival of Personal Finance was at Canadian Dream: Free at 45 and my post, Tracking Pennies was an editor’s pick! Number 25 this year, hurrah! I also enjoyed One Caveman’s Financial Journey talking about a tricky issue of Setting Boundaries for Grand Parental Spending. [...]
June 1st, 2008 at 12:59 pm
How sad for all involved. You’re brave not only in trying to face down this issue in your family, but in posting it here. I’m sure you’ve helped someone by sharing your story.
It’s sad, too, that compulsive spending as an indicator of mental illness is often overlooked in our over-spending consumer society.
I wish you and your family luck and hope you can find ways to set those boundaries as well as help your MIL.
June 4th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Show your MIL what could be happening instead. Take out the age appropriate finger paints, colors, clay, sandbox, blocks, finger puppets, or books…. Have her sit down with the child (with you nearby) and encourage her interaction with the child in a safe way.
Kids want quality time together more than anything.
Take a photo for reinforcement of the good time they had together. Write her a thank you with the photo for the positive interaction, and tell her how much you appreciate her trying to change her behaviors in the best interest of the child. (If you get it all to happen…)
Maybe some replacement strategies and some positive reinforcements will get her to come around?
Good luck with it all! it’s a bad situation all around.
I can’t help but think tho that a Grandma will want to do what’s best for the child…. I know I do :)
June 5th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
That’s a tough spot. My own mom goes way overboard shopping for our kids, but fortunately (I guess) it isn’t on cheap stuff. Either way, it is a bit of a problem, and I finally had to sit down and tell her to stop, much to her disappointment. I told her that bringing my kids something every single time she saw them was unhealthy, and would create unreal expecations going forward.
Notice I said “my mom.” This might be hard for you to push since it is the in-laws. If your wife is on board with you have her do the face-to-face intervention. I do agree with you that some healthy boundaries need to be established.
June 5th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I too have a MIL with compulsive spending & hoarding issues. The thing I have come to recognize is that it is my MIL’s way of loving me to give me trinkets. I’ve learned to be thankful that she thinks of me. More often than not the trinket finds its way to a donation bin or trash can as I’m not a clutter person, but I still appreciate the sentiment.
I liked the other commentors ideas of showing MIL what age appropriate gifts look like and letting her spend time doing age appropriate activities with her granddaughter. Maybe in doing those she can learn the value in the experience rather than a trinket.
I admire that you have the strength to stand up for what is right for your family even if it’s not the fun answer, but I hope you exhasut all of your more amicable options before you have to present them with the contract.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:02 am
[...] have a unique way of spoiling their grandkids. I can’t say much; my grandparents doted on me quite a bit when I was young. Now that I am a [...]
June 10th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
A very poor response on your part. I can think of several different, less damaging ways to handle this situation right off the top of my head, so I’m sure there are many more ways. You were absolutely right in your concern, and in trying to prevent your daughter from being exposed to this sort of behavior, but you were self-righteous and even combative in your methodology. Methinks you and your wife have some crow-eating to do with the mother-in-law.
June 11th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
I disagree with jr’s comment immensely. Anyone that has serious problems dealing with in-laws understands the difficulty you face in this. Dealing with a problematic mother-in-law oftentimes comes down to doing just what you did. Using your backbone, rather than allowing your mother-in-law to dictate the conditions under which your family will live. She needs to learn what it means to be a good mother-in-law and how her attitude and behavior is destructive to your family, and the relationship with her personally. Unfortunately, many families must decide to put distance between themselves and an overbearing mother-in-law in order to have peace. Good for you for standing up to your beliefs.